Positive expectation

Hi, it’s been ages since I last wrote on here. I have actually been really busy, building my coaching practice. I only have a few clients as yet, but I am very confident that it will grow, and very soon.

So, I mentioned Ralf in my last post. I am so surprised that my feelings for him have gone. If you knew me, and how I was in the past, you would probably have expected me to stalk the guy, but this is the new me. Having an experience like hiv really does put things into perspective.

So I should be heading back to Brazil in a few month; probably end of April. I am going to invest in a good quality HD camcorder to record my time there. You never know when footage like that may come in handy. I can’t wait to go, and if I have enough money on this trip, I will buy a crystal bed, so that I can have more intense healing at home. Have I mentioned the crystal bed before? Basically it is a row of seven crystal lights that are placed over you, and although I don’t know exactly how they work, I am told they balance your chakras. Personally, I think it creates a force-field through which the energy beings heal you. I may be wrong, but it sounds good.

I went to see a psychic last week, and I floated out of her house. It was that good. I know not everyone believes in psychics and mediums, but I do, and to me, this woman was the best I had ever seen. She was so specific with names, and so many other things. What she told me, of course, is only a glimpse of what could be. My future is full of infinite possibilities, but I am choosing to believe her, and have a vision of what my life could look like. The interesting thing is that she told me what I have suspected myself, so to get a reading like that just strengthened my beliefs. I’m not going to go into details, but let’s put it this way, there was so mention of ill-health. I’ll leave it at that.

So my coaching practice, as I said, is beginning to take off. I have decided to put most of my energy and focus into the gay market, and people with hiv. I will have a website and blog up and running within the next two months, and will have forums where people can discuss their lives, and healing in positive ways. No room for any kind of limitation or negativity in my blog!!

So there, you have it, nothing much happening here, except a lot of positive expectation. I did get a flu a few weeks ago, and had a huge cold-sore all over my face. I looked like the phantom of the opera. Not a good look.

I also recorded a video intro for my blog, which was strange. It’s quite hard getting used to yourself on video, and my voice, oh my god..

Anyway, I’ll leave it at that for now.

All the best

A New Year

It’s about 9am in Scotland on New Year’s day. I didn’t go out last night, but chose to go to bed with a cold. I woke up this morning feeling a little overwhelmed; I have so many goals that I want to acheive this year, but I guess I can only get there one step at a time. I think I need to walk my talk, and start using the advice I give my clients. But I am only human, afterall.

So do you remember Ralf, the German guy I met in Brazil? Well, things seemed to have died between us. I think the ‘reality’ of day to day life has set in, and has left a rather chilly atmosphere. I haven’t spoken to him in weeks, and communication, when it does happen, doesn’t flow naturally like it did before. But you know what? Life goes on, and I have something wonderful and exciting to achieve. So I guess I had better get on with it.

I actually bought a book yesterday that I had always resisted. ‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise Hay. I don’t know why, but this book always seemed to piss me off, or the idea of it anyway. How foolish was I? It’s a classic, very simple and, I have a feeling, very powerful. I suppose I wasn’t ready to read it all those years ago, but I am ready now, so I’m off to read it.

Have a great New Year.

A Welcome Visitor

Hi, it’s just over a week to Christmas, and at last it’s beginning to feel festive here in Scotland. It’s not snowing yet, but there is definitely a feeling of excitement and anticipation in the freezing cold air.

I have just had a comment from someone in Abadiania called Pete. It’s really good to know that I’m not alone on this journey.
I am a little envious. I bet it’s lovely and warm there at the moment; a far cry from the sub zero chill here. It must be really special in Abadiania at Christmas; I’m really considering going next year at that time, but you know, anything can happen in a year.

I bought myself a Nintendo Wii yesterday and nearly dislocated my shoulder playing the tennis game. I think that I was getting carried away with all the excitement. Of course, it will be back in the box by New Year and wrapped up in birthday paper for one of my nephews birthday, but for now, I’m having fun. That’s what life should be all about, right!

Anyway, thats enough for now.

Merry Christmas to you all.

A good thing

Hi, so it’s been a week since I was at the hospital. My blood results were good. A CD4 of 505, down from 628, and an undetectable viral load. My percentages were actually higher, even though my CD4 was down, so I’m quite happy. The 628 reading was from just after my last visit to Brazil, way back in June of this year. My liver enzymes were also better, so my liver has been healed a little. But you know what, I really don’t want to focus on these numbers. I feel really good, and I’m looking quite good as well, so that is all I am concerned with.

I’m back at the gym, with a vengeance, and I’m bulging in places I’ve never bulged before. Does this all sound a little self-indulgent. I’m beginning to think it does. That wasn’t the point of this blog; my original goal was to help people see that I am living well with hiv, and it really was supposed to be about healing, and mainly Brazil, and what goes on there. However, i won’t be going back for another few months, and life is just plodding along at the moment; the big run up before Christmas and New Year.

I’m trying to get my coaching business up and running, but I tell you it’s not easy work. But I am learning to market myself, and I guess it wil take time. I just need to remain focused and certain that it will all happen. I mean, it’s a good thing I’m doing.

I have been thrown out of some HIV forum for plugging this blog. I can understand if I was selling something, but as you can see I’m selling nothing. So yeah, they chucked me off. It’s a shame actually because what I wrote was a reply to some poor guy, obviously in a lot of pain. I was only trying to help, but the moderators thought otherwise. Why are most of these forums filled with such negative people. I mean, almost every one that I’ve joined have such a down message, and to me that shouldn’t be the case. The HIV community, and that’s exactly what we are, need an injection of hope and life, optimism and faith. And although this blog doesn’t really address how I can help people with HIV recover their self-esteem and confidence and create amazing lives for themselves, I will shortly be setting up a coaching blog to do just that. I jsut read that last sentence, and it may sound like I’m on an ego trip or some crusade to save poor souls, but that’s not my intention. My lack of writing skills may not convey my genuine caring and real purpose behind my desire to help those who desperately need help, to those who desperately want to build a great future. Let’s face it, HIV is not a death sentence anymore. To most people it is a life sentence, but to me it’s an opportunity to grow, and discover who I really am, and what I can really achieve in life. And if I can help people see that what lies in front of them in life is dependent on them, and that they have the POWER to transform their lives, then I am doing a good thing.

Very dark corridors

So it’s the beginning of December, and I am feeling quite down. I really don’t feel it’s appropriate to go into details, but let’s just say that old patterns of behaviour have risen to the surface, and I am healing old wounds. I feel insecure and quite vulnerable. Of course, I have my time in Brazil to thank for all of this. As I’ve said before, my healing process has taken me down some very dark corridors, but this one is familiar, and to be honest I’m not having the best of times.

I think I will do some self-hypnosis, and meditate till my head explodes. That will probably resolve the issues. But for today, I’ll take it easy.

I have my quarterly check up at the hiv clinic on tuesday, so I’ll keep you posted. My cd4 was 628 three months ago and viral load undetectable, so I’m expecting my results to be even better this time. Of course, I don’t really pay much attention to the numbers, but more to how I feel. And apart from this emotional roller-coaster ride I’m on at the moment, I feel great.

I’m back at the gym, and I’ve decided to train with a girl called Linda. She’s fun, and has a great energy; it’s a joy to be around her. My usual trainer, a very handsome sexy guy, distracts me, with his bulging muscles, etc. And at this moment in time, it’s the last thing I need.

I have a lot of spare time off work this month, so I can pour a lot of my energy and time into developing my coaching business.. I can’t wait

Another step

So today is tuesday, and I’ve been working all day. Since I came back from Brazil, i’ve been quite tired, and the adjustment, although smoother this time, has still been quite difficult. I guess my energy is balancing out. What I have noticed, though, is that my diet is really quite poor. When I was in Abadiania, I ate so much healthy food, and I lost a few pounds, but now that I’m back home, I am drinking coffee again and eating less than totally healthful foods. Now that it has come into my conscious awareness, I can do something about it.

I was lying in the bath an hour ago, surrounded by candles, just allowing the warm water to dissolve all the tension I had in my body, and it occurred to me that I haven’t kissed anyone for about four or maybe five years. That makes me a little sad, though I have had more important things on my mind, like staying alive. I don’t know what made me think about kissing. Well actually that’s a lie. I was thinking about Ralf, or maybe someone else, and it struck me that I may have forgotten how to do it. I suppose it’s just like riding a bike or swimming, but I can’t help but wonder will I be shit at kissing should the opportunity ever arise again. Who knows!! Anyway, as far as Ralf is concerned, maybe it was just a holiday fling! I miss the feeling of being happy, and exhilirated, of being nervous and relaxed at the same time. I miss the connection. But I have bigger fish to fry, and life goes on. Not that I’m unhappy, because I’m not. I actually feel really good, though I could be meditating more often. I’ll start doing that tomorrow morning. I actually found my old meditation cds from when I was with Aiping, my spiritual master in London. They really are amazingly powerful.

I’m also reading an amazing ebook at the moment called ‘ A happy pocketful of money ‘. As you can guess it’s all about wealth consciousness, and how we attract not only wealth, but everything else, from health to happiness, from success to love, into our lives. It gives scientific explanations that complement and verify spiritual truth, and for some people this is really important. I don’t really need the logical proof, but i leave the pages with another perspective, and that’s a good feeling.

So anyway, I may be going back to Brazil for more healing in the spring; it’s more than likely actually. I love it there.

And so my healing journey carries on, life carries on and I am ready to take another step into tomorrow. A good future awaits.

Walk in Hope

So I’ve been back home for ten days now, and to be honest, I’m finding it quite hard to adjust to the energy of my home. It feels like I have been ripped out of heaven .The energy in Abadiania this time was so powerful, but life goes on and I have to be positive. I have so much to be grateful for; my health, my healing, meeting Ralf and all the other wonderful people I met on my trip; my friends, my family. My life is good, and it amazes me to think how things were two years ago. I was an inch from death, but I never realised it at the time.

To be honest, trying to find the time and energy to focus on my coaching business is really difficult, but maybe I should just give myself a break, and relax. Everything will unfold in due course, however I don’t want to become lazy, which I can do very easily.

I had a psychic reading last week, and he told me that I am living my destiny, which is comforting to know. I knew this in my heart anyway, but to hear it from a reputable psychic is good. So anyway, I have so many ideas about my coaching business, and who will be my target market. I have chosen to be really brave and authentic and aim my business at the gay market, and hiv; I mean, I am an expert in both these areas. I know what it’s like to destroy myself, and place my attention in dark places. I know what it’s like trying to be someone I’m not, and I know how lonely life can be when there’s no love in it. And through my illness, and my recovery, I know what it’s like to break through that half inch of fear, live in possibility and walk in hope.

Blogging back to health

So, i’ve been back in the UK for about 4 days now, and I feel that I’m settling back into life here. I miss the energy, and the magical quality that I felt everyday in Brazil, but I guess life goes on and I have to adjust. I feel great, though my appetite is not as good as it usually is.. I could do with losing a few pounds, so that’s not a problem.

Ralf hasn’t really been in touch, which surprises me. Maybe he’s busy, or maybe I’ve just potentially made a huge fool of myself. Telling someone you like them to their face is one thing, but on the web for the whole world to see is quite another. I feel I’ve laid myself wide open, and that I may have left myself feeling vulnerable. But such is life! So enough of my lovelife, or lack of it.

As I said, I feel great, although I feel tired too. I’ve had some great ideas for my coaching business. I’m going to start writing a Life Coaching Blog for people with hiv, in which I will give support and advice on how to recreate your life after being diagnosed. It needn’t be a lonely time of your life, like it was for me. When I was diagnosed, there was no real help; only support groups that tend to focus on the problem, and help you stay there. By the way, I’m in no way putting down support groups; they just weren’t right for me, and so I went it alone, and that was lonely! So my blog will be in place to advise, support, offer guidance, and inspiration, as well as many tools and techniques for self-empowerment.

Landed with a Thud

Ok, so I’m back home in Scotland again. The flight from brazil was ok, but I didn’t drink enough water and was really dehydrated. But life here doesn’t seem to have changed any, and every time I come home I feel like I have been ripped right of heaven. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and in a few days I will have adjusted, but for the moment, I wish I was still in Abadiania, with Ralf, with the beautiful energy, and having nothing to do but relax, and heal.

And so I find myself back in reality. Actually I wonder which experience is the real one and which one is the drastic illusion. No, I don’t need to wonder. Brazil was real, the energy was powerful and amazing and I just wish every day could be so energetic and light.

I know I will be fine in a few days. I have a huge field of mail to plough through, and so many books to read. I also have to write marketing copy for my new website, which should be up and running in a few weeks. But for the moment, I’m going to chill. I feel disoriented, and tired, and I know if I push myself to think about my coaching practice I will just be overcome with negativity, so I’ll lay back and relax.

I do miss Ralf. I miss the connection with him, or was it the connection with my own SELF that I miss. Hopefully I will see him again. He has invited me to Germany, but we’ll see what happens. I have some time off work soon. Anyway, I shall meditate now, and relax in the confidence that I am being healed of HIV.

Have you noticed that I don’t focus too heavily on HIV? I read some blogs, and there are so many complaints about side effects of drugs and how the person’s life is shattered. I completely empathise, because I’ve been there. I nearly died, but there comes a time when you have to decide what you want from life, what you want to focus on. I choose life, and I choose love. My life is unfolding beautifully. I have strength, I have a vision of where I want to be, what I want to do and what I want to have, and I am working towards it. One of my biggest lessons in life, though, is Patience, and I don’t think I’m alone there.

bye for now!

The time has come….

So, today is my last day in Abadiania. I leave in a few hours, so I’ve said goodbye to the Casa, though I’m sure I’m taking a small piece of it with me. It just occurred to me that I haven’t taken any photos of anything here, but next time I will bring my camera and post some pictures so you can get a visual representation of what life is like here.

I can honestly say that life is surprising, and no matter what you consciously think you’re planning or what you feel you want, something or someone will show you that nothing is definite, and that life is a journey to be enjoyed, and respected. My time here is coming to an end, for this year at least, but I am taking home a feeling of love, and respect, and a greater sense of self-worth.

Now, it’s time to get back into a business frame of mind and start developing my Life Coaching business. I can’t wait, but I just hope that my adjustment time back at home isn’t turbulent. It has been in the past, but this is a new experience, and I am happy and alive. HIV really is the best thing that has happened to me. It has brought many lessons, and many blessings, and for this I will be eternally grateful. Of course, I created it all myself, and I accept that.

bye for now!